The reason I'm going to wait.

My friend keeps reminding me "move on Gerald.  Just accept that it's over.  You have to have this mindset that she's never coming back to you, because she told me doesn't want to".  I was denied when I took the chance again and cried more than I ever did if you combine my 20 years of living.  Yet, I let her keep the pendant I got for her birthday even though I literally wanted to throw it in road after that.  After thinking and having all the tears pour from my eyes, I'm doing alot better. MUCH BETTER.  I'm still attached and I'm still holding on to a very tiny thread of hope, but its that little amount I need.  For some reason, the Korean movie of "My Sassy Girl" has been motivating me immensely.  The guy in the film was just so chivalrous and romantic.  And what keeps getting to me is that they promised each other that will meet in two years with different ideals, different personality, and a possibly a different feeling toward one another- stronger than ever or forever separated.  "Destiny is building a bridge of fate for the one you love".  If we ever do cross paths again, maybe I hope she sees the deep feelings for her.  As of now, I might just start to practice what she was passionate about.  I can start to practice arts and crafts, learn how to paint, learn how to subliminally become closer to her.  It'll take a while before I can comfortably talk to her again without letting my raw emotions sync in, but I'm going to find a way to get closer to heart whether these actions are witnessed.  I'm going to wait, because waiting for that day I can call you mine again is what's keeping me happy :) <3

Moments of Impact :)

One of my favorite significant memories with her.  We had watched the movie, The Vow, last year and the part about "moment of impact" really stuck through my head :) So, during lecture with our favorite teacher about an angel in a book, I took the initiative. 

Professor: What do you believe the significance of the angel represents in the story? Actually, has anyone even seen a real angel before?

Me: *Raises hand...

Professor: Gerald, you have seen angel? xD

Me: yes, she is right here behind. *points at her

The class: Awwwwww! And the professor chuckles

Her: >///< 

When you are in love, you do everything you can to acknowledge how you feel :) 

The daily morning ritual

Last post before work time! :) talking to myself helps, but blogging will help me retrace my thoughts. As of late, the hardest thing for me to do now is wake up. I was sooo use to waking up to that soft and insanely sensual voice of hers. I am morning person, and just a little "good morning, babe. I love you" was enough for me to feel good about everything. Gosh, what I would do to hear those words again. How I yearn to just hear her snoring in my ear comforting me to sleep. Even though she was always grouchy as fuuuuck in the morning, I loved to wake up just to hear her and TRY to cheer her up. Now when I awake, my eyes open of unexcitement.

How I've been coping with everything?

Not talking to her is so hard, looking at her always makes me give in and I always have to reveal something to her. Time is what heals wounds, but this gash is far too great to heal in a short amount of time. I honestly believed I was depressed and emotionless for the past couple of weeks without her. Every relationship advice blog had told me to just think of the bad times and take down absolutely everything. It just had no benefit to me. So i did the opposite, i opened up letters, gazed at our photos, and looked back at old posts from each other. It did the contrary of what I've been doing and has made me feel so much better. I guess seeing all the good and positive times comforted me. It's insane how popular we were as a pair, but much more ludicrous of we felt for one another. Constsnt complimrnts and admirarion is what we recieved from other people. Literally over 12 hour conversations, Skype sleepovers daily, and just rubbing it in people's faces how appreciative we were. I believe it's so easy to feel the negatives of a relationship because they are the easiest to feel and expose. Your heart reacts first before your brain. Man, I seriously fucking love this girl lmao. I'm twenty years old display so much machoness, but thoughts of that girl just make me bend backwards haha.

The Day I met somebody different

It's crazy... To have someone who was part of your daily routine. Woke up together, slept together, and wanted to do nothing more than just spend time with that person. I never experienced these incentives of life before.. until I met her. With respect to her and her family, I choose to keep her identity hidden. Anyways, I was once an arrogant flirt feeding my ego off making girls feel happy about themselves with manipulative words and phrases. Since I felt so free from finally being away from my first girlfriend, my ways manifested from my imprisonment. 3 years i did this, and i genuinely liked one of them. Even with her I didn't want commitment. For me, I needed a relationship I knew was worth waiting for. CSUB heard my calling. I went with my friend to get our ID's and there she was. I don't believe at love in first sight, but i sure did take a second look. Plaid shorts, funny looking glasses, and really tan skin at the time... Something that I didn't expect I would keep thinking about lol. I just knew for some exact reason that I wanted to be involved in her life. I believed she was going to play an important role for my future. I needed to know what this girl was about. Of course, we became facebook friends and i talked to her. But this time, I wasn't trying to force or lead the situation. It felt natural and it flowed. And it was about passing a math class xD Our friendship started out blazing. We heavily revealed how we felt about each other in two weeks! Most people thought we rushed things way too quickly, but i didn't care. I needed to make her mine. And I did, for two years. I fucked up so badly at the end. I grew impatient and too wreck less about what slipped from my mouth. She finally got fed up with it and refused to be treated like that. For the past month, I've realized my ignorance and begged and clawed my way back in. I was in such denial that I thought i could be without this woman. I'm waiting... But she's doing so well.